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Sometimes I feel so unappreciated by Cecilia. Yesterday I gave her her anniversary gift a few days early (our one year anniversary is on the 4th of this month) and I was a little disappointed by her response to my gift.

I gave her a really pretty necklace. It had two hearts, one made of white gold and a smaller one made of yellow gold. The larger white heart was encrusted with diamonds (only 1/5 of a carat... I'm not rich, people) and it just looked damn cute. Anyway, here's a pic:

She liked the necklace, but it just wasn't the response I was hoping for as I said... she seemed happy, just not thrilled. I wanted ECSTATIC or even just excited... Is that wrong? It was just like, "Oh, that's nice. Thanks" I'm sure that's just Cecilia though. It's her personality. She's just not the type of girl to jump up and down and hug and kiss me excitedly out of gratitude. ::Sigh:: I miss that... those emotions anyway...
Current Location: On my bed in my room...
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
19 August 2010 @ 03:22 am
It has been nearly two years since I updated this journal... Mainly because I have been unable to access the internet. I am of poor folk that could only just recently afford it lol. It's sad, I know.

Gosh, so much has happened in my life that I don't even know where to begin. I suppose the best place to start is where my last entry left off. Let's begin with my once favorite subject, shall we?

She's a FUGLY, LYING, CHEATING, HO BAG STILL lol. Ok, enough name calling...

I wish I could say that in my two-year absence from this journal that I had completely cut her out of my life, but I'm too forgiving a person for my own good at times. I let her suck me back in again just ONE MORE TIME when we attempted a friendship a few months back. I'm sure you can guess how that ended? No? Well, she tried all the same bullshit she had in the past by telling me she loved me and wanted me back, but had conflicted feelings yada yada yada. Honestly, I had been over this bitch a long time. Everything she kept telling me, I had heard too many times to count before. So after pretending to be her friend a while, I went on MySpace to do a little detective work. I found out that, of course, she was still with her fat ass (Oops that's name calling, isn't it?) girlfriend, Pearl. So I did what any sensible person would do in that situation... I cussed her out via several hundred text messages, messaged all their friends on MySpace and explained what Nadya was doing behind Pearl's back, and just washed my hands of her and all her drama for good.

About a month later, Nadya hacks my MySpace and gets her "woman", MONSTRO (I think that sounds so much better than Whore #2, don't you agree?), to write mean things about me on my page. All so very high school, I know lol. Why would I care about MySpace anyway? I also have a Facebook and rarely go on either site. Lame-o. I politely text messaged Pearl a few days later and we talked things out. I told her my side of the story (Nadya denied having any kind of communication with me in years) and I think she believed me. Maybe she's not as dumb as she looks. Then again, she's been with Nadya for four years, so... maybe I'm giving her too much credit. Anyway, I've wasted enough time writing about her. I've changed my phone number since that whole ordeal and moved residences. With any luck, The Jessica & Nadya Chronicles are at an end.

We've been together 11 months now... Our one year anniversary is next month on the 4th. I would be lying if I said our relationship is perfect. We've had many ups and downs, but we're still holding strong. I remember wishing and hoping after my break-up with Jess, to meet a girl that was just as crazy about me as I was for her... and I truly believe I have found that with Cecilia.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that someone so beautiful can love me as much as she does. I've been with beautiful women in my past, but all were just notches on my belt or simply couldn't/wouldn't reciprocate my love. What's funny (and sometimes annoying) is how different we are... we rarely agree on things and that can sometimes result in nasty fights, but once my anger subsides, I look at her and want nothing more than to take her in my arms and never let go. One of the best things about Cecilia: She's a fantastic snuggler lol. I love being in her arms and vice versa. I can't sleep without her. But enough of this lovey-dovey talk. I'm sure there will be many Cecilia related entries in the future... in our future.

My Life Today
My life was at a standstill for a while... no job, no goals, nothing. I finally feel like my life is getting started. I'm going to be 25 next month, I have a great girl, I'm medicated, I have a low level stress job that I'm beginning to love, and my relationship is propelling us to find a place of our own in the next coming months. Once we're situated (hopefully in Claremont or a surrounding area), I'm going to finally return to school. Cecilia's mom will also have hopefully passed down the car to her and we'll finally be mobile. As unbelievable as it is even to me, I'm actually happy. Imagine that.
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" in the background.
26 October 2008 @ 05:58 pm
As it stands today, just about every woman in my life is angry or upset with me ::sigh::
Current Mood: blankblank
25 October 2008 @ 05:13 am
We're starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear
Of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

These times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do

'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie - "You Can Do Better Than Me"
25 October 2008 @ 04:49 am
If you knew Peggy Sue - then you’d know why I feel blue
without Peggy - my Peggy Sue
oh well, I love you gal - yes, I love you Peggy Sue

Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue - oh how my heart yearns for you
oh Peggy - my Peggy Sue
oh well, I love you gal - yes, I love you Peggy Sue

Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue - pretty pretty pretty pretty Peggy Sue
oh Peggy - my Peggy Sue
oh well, I love you gal and I need you Peggy Sue

I love you Peggy Sue - with a love so rare and true
oh Peggy - my Peggy Sue
well I love you gal - I want you Peggy Sue


Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue
pretty pretty pretty pretty Peggy Sue
oh Peggy - my Peggy Sue
oh well, I love you gal and I need you Peggy Sue

I love you Peggy Sue - with a love so rare and true
oh Peggy - my Peggy Sue
well I love you gal - I want you Peggy Sue

oh well, I love you gal and I want you Peggy Sue
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Buddy Holly - "Peggy Sue"... obviously...
01 October 2008 @ 12:57 am
Maybe it's the alcohol coursing its way through my system or just my wounded heart, but I'm thinking about love. Not the person I'm in it with... just in general.

My cousin, Bobby, thinks that if you find a person worth loving, then they should love you as you are. That means putting all your flaws (those flaws may or may not include ADDICTIONS of all sorts) aside and choosing to love you anyway. They don't attempt to alter your behavior or make you feel bad for choosing to live your life a certain way. If they truly love you, they see only that person and pass no judgements.

On the other hand, I've always appreciated a girl that would call me on all the shit I do. I liked having someone that wanted to make me a better person... that saw my potential and tried to bring it out. For that matter, I've been trying to find a girl WORTH changing for. But I digress...

So which is it? If someone loves you, do they try to change you or do they just have to learn to face the facts that you are who you are? Bad habits and all?

I really don't know anymore. My other two exes wanted me to change. I never tried to cover up the fact that I liked to drink (or tweak when I was with Vanessa) when I first met them. I guess they just got tired of it? So what did the good dog do? I tried to change for them. And I did it pretty well, until they both left... now here I am, back to no good, and Nadya loves me. She knows I have some things to work on, but she loves me. She doesn't give me an ultimatum or tell me what I need to do. She loves me in spite of everything I've done to hurt her and everything I've done to hurt myself. Some may see this as enabling, but she doesn't fucking high five me when I take a drink or go out to buy me drugs. She doesn't support my flaws. She sees only me... and she loves that person.

I think it goes without saying that I'm not going to be like this in my 30's or 40's. We all grow up. I'm just a young adult having the most fun I can have while I'm still young and crazy enough to do it. Am I wrong?

What do you think love is?
30 September 2008 @ 11:48 pm
So... things are going a little better with Nadya... trust issue wise anyway. We've been talking more often on the phone and it's really helped. I told everyone that I just needed to be around her more. The more time we spend together gives me more hope for us. There's still many problems we need to work out, but I finally think we're headed in the right direction... oh, and she's my girlfriend by the way. We're probably moving way too fast again, but fuck it. You only live once and who knows how much longer I have living the way I do... so I'm going to try to be as happy as I possibly can with the girl I never fell out of love with...

Transition, transition, transition...

I leave to Oregon in a few days. I put the trip off for a couple extra days, so I get a chance to see my baby before I go... it's a whole month without her! I can't wait to get out there. Everyone seems really excited to see me... ME! Haha, I know... hard to believe, right? Eh... I know I'm gonna have a good time with my brother and nieces, but I'm slightly dreading the return home. I don't know if I've written about this yet, but I gave Nadya an ultimatum. I told her she needs to fix the shit wrong in our relationship by the time I get back or I'm leaving her. Anyway, I'll put that aside for now. I'm gonna go out there and have an awesome time with my family.

I recently met this girl, April. My cousin's girlfriend, Vicky, introduced us. She's her sister. You're probably wondering why she's even remotely relevant, but do you ever get the feeling you're going to know someone for a long time? Maybe you see romantic possibilities or maybe even just as a friend? That's how I feel about April. I think she's going to make a really great friend and be in my life for a long time... heh... at least I hope :) I don't meet too many girls that I can be myself around. I'm either dating them or fucking them lol. So it's pretty special to me when I meet someone I can have a genuine conversation with... all fucking aside.

Which reminds me of my bestest friend, Gail. Haha I miss that bitch! But she'll be receiving a very special letter from me soon ::wink wink::

For those of you that don't know, Captain Morgan's Private Stock is my new favorite drink. Randomness, I know... but I'm drinking a bottle right now... you're all jealous I can feel it. Mmm... tasty. I should probably be packing my clothes or buying my train/bus tickets, but how could I resist the Captain? He's a military man, and I follow orders.

That's about all that's going on right now... well, all that I feel like writing about anyway.

Special Note: It's officially my Little Bear's birthday now! Happy 22nd, babe. I've always been in love with you, and I always will be. XoxoOxXo
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Kingdom Hearts II music! Why can't I stop playing???
22 September 2008 @ 04:30 pm

Ahh, I've missed my livejournal... I finally have the internet again! Haha as if you hadn't noticed...

Holy crap, Choke has been made into a movie! I don't know too many details about the movie... I just saw a poster in L.A., and my friends had to stop me from humping the building it was attached to! Anyone care to join me opening night? Unless it's in October that is...

I hate whores! We now have a #4 added to the list... some of these girls make it so easy.
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
I'm going to Oregon in about a week and I'm pretty excited. It'll be a nice change. I've been getting in far too much trouble these days. I need to take it easy... relax... and see my family.

I'm sad to leave Nadya behind, but really, do I see her that often anyway? I want her to come with me... I just don't know if that's rushing into things again though.

So for those of you that didn't know, yes, I'm officially dating Nadya again. I'm not sure if it's for the best or not. We've gone back and forth like this more times than I can count... oh, and get this shit... she tried calling me her girlfriend without even fucking asking me first! I had to put a stop to that. I love Nadya, but I'm not ready for her to be my girlfriend yet. I DO NOT trust her, but I am trying... and eventually, I DO want to be with her again. There's just something about her that always brings me back...

When I'm around her, it's the most comfort I've ever felt. Memories have gradually started to come back to me, and I want to hang on to her tight this time. She kisses me and I feel the warm fuzzies in my tummy lol. I haven't felt those since she left me two years ago... I came pretty close, but nobody has Nadya's passion. God, I sound lame :p

But! She continues to flake when we make time to see each other and she seems colder as well...fuck. To tell you the truth, I think she has a girlfriend. Is it Whore #2? I don't know... but I think there is definitely someone else. I try to put these thoughts aside and I ask her to prove to me that she isn't lying, but she just gets angry and tells me, "I shouldn't have to prove anything. If you love me then you'll trust me"... fuck. Fuck! I know she loves me... she wouldn't keep coming back if she didn't. Right?

I'm a doormat. That's what everyone is thinking. I've only ever loved two girls and I think I'll forever be a doormat for both of them. Plus, Nadya does know how to manipulate me. But I'm such a different person now! I know I was an asshole when I was first with her, but doesn't she see that I've changed? I can handle myself drinking now... I would never hit her again. I'm HONEST... I would never lie to her. I'm ready for a commitment now, I would never cheat on her again. I'm not perfect, but I'm everything she wanted me to be. It took a while, but here I am. And I don't think she's changed at all! I want to be wrong. I hope this is just me being paranoid...

I think if we just spent a little more time together, we could overcome all these issues of trust... if only she would make time. She's right about one thing... the roles are reversed now. I never wore my heart on my sleeve like this. I was the cold and distant one. Now here I am, chasing after her...

Oh, and I've been taking my handy, dandy new medication... and get this, I don't feel depressed! For the first time in my life, I feel... normal? Is that what that is? I used to wake up dreading the day and get so low I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. Now... it's just... different. GOOD different. Though I still struggle with the things I've done in my past, I think counseling can fix that, but these new meds are wonderful. They also knock me out pretty fast and make me retarded lol, but it's not so bad.

That's about it for now...

Is it time for me to leave yet??? ::sigh::
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Dumped... again. I'm still unsure about what I'm feeling though. I am devastated, but sadly heartbreak seems to be getting easier to bear... or perhaps I'm just becoming colder?

Ahh, my most talked about subject on livejournal hands down! She also holds the record for first girl to trample on my heart and successfully destroy most of the good qualities I held so dear. When I met Nadya, I had many ideals of love and didn't have to think twice about giving her my heart. She was very charismatic. And I was somewhat naive to say the least. I chose to ignore her consistent lying and gave her chance after chance to redeem herself. I was in love and that's what people in love do... they forgive and try to forget... because people aren't innately cruel and don't hurt the ones they "love" if they can help it... or so I once adamantly believed. The first breakup is definitely the hardest. I never cried so much in my life and never let someone squirm their way back into my life time and again only to be disappointed each and every time. Needless to say, my ideals of love were crushed and never recovered. Thanks, Nadya.

I regret casually throwing around the "I love you's" with her. I know I didn't mean it, but wanted to be in love if only to fill the void Nadya left. I said and did whatever I could to charm her and then did everything to push her away from me. Even going so far as to tell her that "she would never measure up to Nadya" and that "she was the one I really loved." Can you believe we only lasted a month? If I hadn't been such an asshole, I really would have liked to stay in touch with her. She was intelligent and fun to talk to. I have yet to meet anyone else I can talk to for HOURS on end while they still have my full attention.

The most recent girl to leave me... and I'm still feeling the pain of her loss. However, it was only days ago that she told me she didn't want to be with me EVER AGAIN. But like I said earlier, I don't know how to feel about it all. All my emotions just seem to contradict one another. I still want to be with her, but I know she made the right decision to leave me behind and better herself. She lost my trust and that just led me to become this possessive, extremely jealous, monster... I didn't like that person. With my insecurities at their peak, I had an unrealistic expectation of how much shit my fiancee should put up with. I don't completely blame myself for our demise though. That's what is so strange. Normally, I dwell on everything I did wrong while the other individual gets off scott free in my eyes. I'm upset, but more angry to have lost someone I let get so close when I never had any desire to let them in to begin with. I don't regret my relationship with Jessica though... every fight... every kiss... I was able to learn something new about myself. Even though we constantly seemed to hurt each other, I can't help loving her. Whenever a relationship would end, I was either bitter or indifferent about the person. It's different with Jess... I want to see her genuinely happy. Weird, huh?

So, all this typing and I'm still on Square 1... but concerning future relationships, I'm deeply apathetic. I don't care to talk to the "hot" girl at the club or even get laid! My last two serious ex-girlfriends got me spoiled "making love". A fuck just seems utterly pointless right now. Maybe I let myself become too sentimental. I should have stayed the wild, "fuck-anything-that-moves-with-no-concern-or-regret-for-tomorrow" kinda girl I was... it was lonely, but at least no one ever got close enough to hurt me. Fuck! I'm so confused! I'm hurt, angry to the point of causing chaos and destruction to whatever crosses my path, jealous because I know one day I'll be replaced by someone better, but also... content??? I just want someone to reach in this head of mine and make sense of everything. To uncover all the unattractive, violent, self-destructive, negative things about me and still think I'm worth a damn. Where is my unconditional love??? No, I'm not angry, I'm LIVID. I'm tired of hurting the ones I love and especially getting hurt. Yes, I want to be angry because it's easier than reminiscing about the one I lost... my brain is scrambled... I give up... for now.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Elliott Smith - "Waltz #2"